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Hello, it’s been a minute! On Friday I went to work running on 5 hours of sleep and then passed out with all the lights on as soon as I got home. I don’t remember having any dreams. Good news; T quit. I was worried about how things would go with J applying for a job while he was still working there because of some of the more blatantly transphobic stuff he’d said around me and I was concerned about him making things difficult for her, but now that’s a nonissue. Apparently he and his girlfriend both quit, but have sort of framed things like they were fired. Luckily they already have replacements lined up for them, and for a few of their friends who were recently hired on and were also threatening to quit. It’s funny; my boss came up to me and said “I’d just like to inform you that T[xxxxx] T[xxxxx] is no longer working here.” But I misheard his name, so I just said “Who?” My coworker said this was a baller move on my part. It’s a little sad; I don’t think he’s an entirely awful guy. I also think it's weird that I feel bad for him, since he'd made me uncomfortable to the point where I approached my manager about it, something I didn't think I'd ever do. I can tolerate a lot of negative attention directed towards me. He’d made some effort to be nice to me the past few times I saw him, but I just couldn’t help the fear feeling I got.

That’s one of the frustrating things about having a nervous system tuned for high intensity situations; when something happens that’s actually not high intensity but has some echoes of your previous experiences and your body decides it’s time to go on high alert. Your palms start to sweat, your heart beats faster, your muscles tense, your consciousness dulls and quickens at the same time.. You’re ready to react, to run if you need to, but the logical part of your brain shuts off. You start saying things without realizing you’re talking. Oftentimes you have to watch yourself act in a way that isn’t true or right just so you can get out of the situation. You collapse into a quivering pile of submissive words and soft body language, begging them not to go for the jugular. It’s very easy to feel ashamed, especially if whatever ended up causing you to act this way was a situation where you would be better served by standing up for yourself. The problem with a lot of what are called “negative coping mechanisms" is that they served you well at one point in time and they kept you alive but now that you’re bigger and stronger and have better options, they do more harm than good. I can tell my brain that nobody is going to hurt me as many times as I want, that won’t stop me from dissociating when it feels like it’s going to happen.

I haven’t found a good solution for this. I just have to try and not be so hard on myself when I do this, not feel like I’ve failed myself when I end a simple social interaction with a feeling like my life is in danger. This is difficult. I don’t have the innate emotional resilience other people have; I’ve realized that I often have to look externally for things that other people seem to just have internally.

Here is some advice that was given to me that I will now give to you. First, wash yourself thoroughly. Think of this as the first step of the ritual, take care to make sure you get very clean. After cleaning yourself, sterilize a blade using a mixture of isopropyl alcohol and salt (I prefer a boxcutter for this purpose due to ease of access but whatever you prefer.) Go somewhere quiet where you will be alone and undisturbed; your bedroom, a closet, an isolated place outside. Just make sure nobody is going to walk in on you. Bring a candle, water, two bowls, salt, and the blade. Light incense if you feel like it. Sit down. Light the candle. In one bowl, pour water. In another bowl, put the salt. Say “hello” (I don’t mean this literally.) Draw the blade quickly across your skin, somewhere where it won’t be readily visible to others. It’s not about the pain, so try not to hurt yourself. You only need to do it once. Let the blood drip into the bowl of water. Ask for what you want. Sit. When you’re ready for it to end, sprinkle the salt into the bowl of water, and then pour the water out. If you’re outside, I recommend pouring it out onto the ground. For added measure you can also toss some salt over your shoulder. Say “goodbye” while blowing out the candle.

Lately I’ve been struggling with wanting something very badly. I really doubt that it’s something I’m going to ever get and I also feel if I pursue it too readily or in a way actually driven by the need I feel, I’ll ruin any chance of it ever happening; some other things might be ruined as well. If I were to use the above method to try and get what I want I would not only be acting in a selfish manner, but would be going against the very nature of the desire. So I just have to sit with the wanting and the ache, with how stupid it makes me feel to desperately need something I know I won’t ever have, how that burns in my stomach like a naphtha flame. A feeling can be very intense, but you have to trust that it will pass. All feelings do.

Music recs; Mothers of Invention, Gary Wilson, Mindless Self Indulgence, Nero’s Day At Disneyland. A shame that Nero's Day At Disneyland is so heavily associated with a certain distasteful youtuber- They were one of the first breakcore bands I ever got into, back in 2011. I don't remember where I first heard of them. I would play songs from From Rotting Fantasylands in the car and my mom would all but demand I change it to something different. That's how you know a band is good!