Well, I've decided to start a blog. I want to be able to share images and music that I enjoy without having to worry about the more direct social aspects and frustrating interface updates of social media sites. It's been a long time since I've used HTML for anything so this is going to be pretty barebones for a while, but I hope to slowly improve it as I add posts. I'm not really expecting anyone to be reading these, so forgive me in advance if this functions as more of a diary than anything else, at least for now.
Right now my life is pretty weird. I've been having that old familiar feeling. We're coming up on a time of the year that is really busy and also really stressful for me. I've also been pretty much entirely nocturnal, an unfortunate state of affairs that I've been trying (and failing) to rectify for a few weeks now. As I try more and more to engage with others socially, I just end up feeling more and more isolated. It's just as hard and not half as rewarding as I remember it being. Sometimes I think it was a very bad mistake to try extending myself out of the preexisting social bubble. Then again, I'm doing this, so maybe I haven't learned my lesson. Maybe not, since the purpose of this is less direct. I'm just speaking into air, imagining a friendly ghost might lend an ear.
There's nothing I can bring to others social lives that won't be outweighed by the potential of corrupting them by proximity. I have this feeling that whatever is inside of me that makes me like this (I imagine it sometimes like a very dark and deep hole full of spikes or a sticky tar-like slime) is catchable. By tricking the people I know into thinking of me as a "Good Person", or at least a person who is worth knowing and caring about, I'm inadvertently tainting them. This makes any sort of closeness both a profoundly selfish act on my part and a huge risk. It's not like my metaphysical badness is ignorable. Someone will one day figure out who has curdled the milk, sickened the livestock, ect, and I will suffer deservedly for it. It doesn't make a lot of sense from a logical standpoint even if we take the premise of me having some inherent kind of badness to be true (sometimes I think it's more complicated, but lately this feels like the most accurate summation of my issue), but it's a strong feeling and hard to ignore. If you happen to be reading this and you're of a more Pollyannaiac disposition, please don't mistake what I'm talking about here for garden variety misplaced guilt and extend your sympathies. It's a completely warranted feeling.
I've been listening to a lot of Prefab Sprout, Magnolia Electric Company, Damaged Bug, Mountain Goats.. Listened to some Five Starcle Men with J recently and really enjoyed their song Yellow Frog Legs. It almost gave me the same calm and sleepy feeling as Diamanda Galas' Divine Punishment, another recommendation from a friend. Lots of good music in my life recently. I'm excited for my sister to come out with her EP. I'm also excited for it to cool down soon. It's been a very very hot summer. I have one class going on right now and we've been reading Socrates Apology.