Another day. A list of events; I had a lot of dreams and overslept for work, arrived late. I felt ill. We were booked, escape rooms all day. No tips. The positive far outweighs the negative. I briefly saw Lucky, a coworker of mine, as she was leaving and before she left she gave me a joint, wrapped with paper that had eyes all over it. She gave it to me in a very cute plastic container which I need to return to her. This small gesture on her part was so incredibly sweet and out of the blue. It really made my day better. My other coworker, B, got tipped 150 dollars on a show which he honestly deserves the most out of anyone, considering how hard he works. I felt happy for him and it reminded me once again that sometimes people will do just nice things. It doesn't matter why they do them, if it's for selfless reasons or not. Even a completely selfless act is selfish in some way. That could also just be the fact that I know when I act kindly towards others it isn't usually selfless.
I've resolved to make a large batch of Pecan-Oat Brittle cookies and bring them for the workshop this weekend. I might also aim to make another type, maybe something gluten free so that everyone can have some. Another coworker of mine also requested I make the oat cookies again; they really are that good. Another person who had one who told she rarely ever enjoys cookies said that it was the best cookie she'd ever had. It's the Claire Saffitz recipe, from her book Dessert Person. They're a lot of work.
This is not in any way a selfless act. I get the gratification of having done something for other people, the little ego stroke that comes with others admiring something you've made (even if it's not your recipe you put the all that effort in,), and I encourage other people to have a positive opinion of me. That's something that's important to me.
I know myself well enough to know that this is an illusion that can only be maintained for so long. Once I allow you to actually start interacting with me and not 3-d facets of myself I try to project, pepper's ghost style, or once I get tired and slip up and you see how the trick works.. I don't know. There are people who are very close to me who are very tolerant of the way that I can be sometimes and I don't understand it.
Oftentimes I dislike even the me I am when I'm trying to be tolerable. It's too abrasive, too crude, withdrawn, flirtatious, stupid, dull, mushmouthed, neurotic, open and closed off in quick succession.. Tolerability is achievable, but charisma is out of reach except for in those blessed few "scripted" interactions where I can rattle some stored dialogue in my brain off.. Huh?
Today, a film recommendation. The 1977 film Rabid by David Cronenberg. I've seen it described as "painfully slow," "boring," and I couldn't agree less. The pace is persistent, the insidious tide of venereal disease and pandemic rising as the distance between Rose (Marilyn Chambers, in one of her only non-pornographic roles) and her boyfriend (played by Frank Moore) expands and then contracts. Cronenberg's fascination with techno-organic material is readily apparent here, with Rose developing a strange slit with a hypodermic needle nestled inside after having to undergo experimental skin grafts following a motorcycle accident caused by her boyfriend. Now the only way she can eat is by extracting blood using her new appendage. There are some other aspects to the film that I won't spoil, but I really enjoyed it. Give it a watch and see what you think!
Music recommendation for today; A cover of Ohio by Devo, Another Weekend by my own personal Yukio Mishima, and a little Current 93.